It's in these spaces of confusion and uncertainty that I try to seek "meaning."
What I'm I "supposed to" do?, I wonder.
What do you want to do?, I hear.
Want? I want the world! My mind spins in and around wish lists that have been forming since I was a child. Sure, I have outgrown some of the things I wanted in my youth, but there are certainly some things that have never changed. I want to live in opulence, contentment and joy!
So, why don't you?
I wish I could!
So, why don't you?
The frustration grows as my mind grasps at the other list... the one with all the reasons why I can't have those dear, sweet experiences in my life.
I don't have enough time or money! are the two things my mind has clumped together and turned into the greatest obstacle in the world.
Oh, I see.
I know I need more excuses! Sure, time and money are the biggies, but this didn't seem to be a good enough reason for lack, longing and such... so my mind digs deeper.
It searches, but all the other excuses seem piddly and really do tie into the two biggies.
I just can't! Life's not fair!, I insist. Although I am alone, I feel the overwhelming desire to cross my arms, stomp my foot and plop down in a funk on the couch.
I hate being conscious enough to know I can no longer fool even myself.
Yet, the confusion reigns. I am utterly wrapped into my mood of stubborn despair.
How can I live in opulence, contentment and joy with little or no time or money?
I hear laughter... a sweet laughter, I admit.
My heart knows I have already been doing so. I whole-heartedly understand that opulence, contentment and joy are matters of perception. I also know, though I try to avoid this truth at times, that time and money are also matters of perception. All of these energies can be perceived, shifted and created into whatever I choose.
Yet, I am also clear that there is a mass consciousness that - like the stubborn, forgetful me - believes otherwise. This belief is so thick and sticky, it has gotten hold of many of us. It has trapped us into a way of life and often results in suffering.
Ah, suffering. I am not a stranger to suffering. There are times I don't want to suffer, and life is simply hard.
Yes, life can be very hard.
I am reassured that my perceptions aren't completely invalid. I take a quiet, deep breath... a sigh of surrender, really. I feel my shoulders drop a bit; my jaw softens.
The frown remains, but I am not as anxious to fight. What I realize is that my mind is still clenching the list of desires. I still do want to have more time and money... especially the money because I believe it will buy me more time.
I can be such a noble martyr. My mind searches for the stories. I have many to choose from; I can dare anyone to pick a theme and I could offer a rich, real story likely to put theirs to shame. This game is getting old, however. I'm bored to tears with my stories, though I do use them, as needed. You know, those times that drama is the icing on the cake and your sweet tooth has become a craving out of control.
Yeah, those moments still happen. I hear myself laughing now.
My reasonable mind simply wants an A to Z answer. How can I make more time and money?
Spirit can't seem to reason with my irrational mind at this point. It is caught in the sticky goo, trying to figure it all out. In fact, it assures me, if it figures it all out, it can sell it to others and then make lots of money off the answer!
My heart simply smiles. It patiently waits for the conscious, wise me to return... to once again be centered in my heart where opulence, contentment and joy have been living all along.
I hear more sweet laughter. I have this funny feeling that my heart knows that time and money are living there, too.